Bravo: It's like crack for your eyes

Dear Bravo,

We've been seeing each other for a few years now and feel its only right that we talk about our relationship. I feel like perhaps you are taking advantage of me. Look, I know the summer TV season is filled with a cornucopia of worthless dead-brain entertainment. But I look to you to raise the bar. You have brought me so much joy over the years with Project: Runway but then you lose this to Lifetime. Rather than get off the mat and come back with a show even better than anything Heidi and Tim could ever offer, you give us Isaac Mizrahi and Kelly Rowland? Even Michelle (take it to the bridge) Williams is saying this show sucks. The only thing that makes Kelly remotely credible on anything close to fashion is that she doesn't wear House of Dereon (sorry Bey). Geez, even my daughter said, " Daddy, this isn't very good". She's eight!

I felt redeemed when you gave us the brillance of 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' last year. Oh my, are these ladies even better this year. This more than made up for the plastic and flacidness of 'Orange County' and the pretentious 'New York' girls, Atlanta brought that ghetto flava. Not to be outdone, 'New Jersey' was the hit of the summer. Prostitution whore! Teresa, I heart you. But still my true loves were the Atlanta 'wives ... Nene is too crazy. Lisa is probably a little high strung for her own good. Sheree, a top level exec's worse nightmare, might just be the most over the top borderline delusional person ever (I mean, who throws themselves THAT many parties?). Kandi reminds us why Excape was hot in the 90's even if she might have questionable taste in men (4 baby mamas or 4 babies mamas ... I digress). Then there is the nuclear mess that is Kim. Wow! Kim is ... well ... um ... just really off the charts nuts. Don't be Tardy for the Party!!! SMH. I felt joy again.

Then I get roped into Flipping Out (thanks Jules) and Rachel Zoe (someone please give this woman a damn sandwich. I mean seriously.) But, sadly, I'm not feelin' it. A guy who is type A who flips houses and trades banter with his perky assistant and various house staff is only slightly more interesting than a girl who is type A who pick out clothes for stars and trades banter with her slightly off assitant and various house staff. I feel like you aren't even trying. Why do I care? Because Housewives is fun. Top Chef is fun. But Miami Social? Whoa, I mean you take one of the hottest cities on the planet and you picked the most painfully boring people in the universe. And by painful, I mean, if you took a spike and shoved it in your ear and then took a one of those ... ah ... Ball Peen Hammer? Yea, yea, and then tapped it for an hour, cuz you really gotta get in there, you might get at how painful this show is. And NYC Prep was disturbing, if anything. As a parent, is scared me crapless that you'd show the products of quite possibly the worse parenting this side of the Bradys and try to pass it off as cool. (Sebatian just flipped his hair again).

I guess all I'm saying is step your game up. I'm waking up from this addiction and looking for a placebo. VH1 made me want to throw my TV out of moving car. I expect better from you Bravo. Time for you to be worthy of your name.

Right now, I'd called you 'Aiight'.

Sincerely,

Your fan


Best. Bravo. Moment. Ever.