Fantasy Football: It's Faaaaan-tastic!

On the eve of my first of three fantasy football drafts, I began to reflect on years gone by. Every year, millions of guys comb the internet, watch endless hours of ESPN, listen to the talking radioheads and buy soon to be worthless Draft guides for the hopes of controlling little to no part of destiny and really just legitimizing the need for laws governing the overall racket. I say this but I am just another lemming.

There are a few undeniable facts about the typically fantasy football geek.

Wives listen up.

1) Your husband will likely only recognize six days on the weekly calendar. Sunday is gone to him. It really doesn't exist. He will wake up. Go to the fridge. Get a beer. (Yes, I know its 9:30 in the morning, but hell, you married the guy!) Turn on the TV to ESPN (or the pre-game of his choice) and turn on the laptop. Make sure the kids understand it’s not personal, Daddy still loves them. When Daddy cusses at Eli Manning for throwing his third pick, it has nothing to do with Eli's mom doing drugs during her pregnancy. Or when his running back fumbles, no he really doesn't mean it when he says that Gramma could run the ball better. Trust me, if so, he would have drafted her in the first round. You would be best served to leave the house and drown his wallet into oblivion. Give him a reason to play for the title.

P.S. If your wife is in a league and you aren't, then you might want to make sure the dishes are done, dinner is on the table and the house is spotless because if not, she'll probably kick your ass if she loses. Better feel like you have control over something. Punk.

P.S.S. If you happen to both be in a league, then who the hell is watching the kids??? That's probably your bad ass kids wandering the street, knocking on your neighbors doors for food because y'all are fighting over the damn laptop. Get it together! By another laptop (get her a Netbook, I hear they are all the rage) and have Gramma take the kids to Red Robin ... at least they'll get fed once.


2) Don't kick him while he's down. Just because he just got served given the decision to bench Matt Forte in favor or Larry Johnson because he got a surefire tip or the idiot on the Play 'em, Sit' em show told him to, doesn't mean you rub his nose in it. Don't ask him about the trash. Or, why the toddler has pooped on the kitchen floor while you were at the store and why he didn't notice. He likely couldn't be bothered with such trivial things. Better you accept that now. The level of separation anxiety will be ridiculous. He'll sleep at the computer (keyboard drool), he'll cry, he'll forget holidays (except Thanksgiving because there are several games that day, though you will need to cook and dress him and make sure that whoever you visit has a TV with HD). He still loves you. Reassure him that he'll win next week.

3) Yes. He is well aware that he doesn't live in Detroit but that doesn't mean he shouldn't care if Calvin Johnson gets 175 yards and 3 TDs. Damn, woman!! And no, he can't watch Extreme Home Makeover with the family, Sunday Night Football is on. Also, you probably don't want to comment on the fact that even you've figured out Belichick doesn't stick with a running back or admit that you agreed with anything Cris Collinsworth says ... it's better that way.

4) Death from fantasy football has never been documented but you would get your spouse’s winnings ... provided that he can draft and you can get into his league. Always plan for emergencies, death is the extreme. But you should be prepared in case your man might, just might, choose to save the laptop versus the family pet should the house catch fire Saturday night. Lineups are due by 11:55 AM EST!!!

To the zombies:

1) There is likely someone in your group of league participants who is double-checking the league rules for scoring loopholes. He will exploit this as the season progresses. Know him. He sucks. Now if you can't find the guy in your group who is likely to be that guy... guess who? Yep. Change your team name to Captain D-bag.

2) ESPN had the greatest fantasy football ad campaign a few years ago. In it, there's a guy who could not pronounce T.J. Houshmandzadeh. T.J. Who's your mama? Priceless. Made more priceless by the fact that this was a spot on take of a phenomenon in the draft process. So many people have no clue how to pronounce the name of the players they covet. Dude, freaking learn the name. If you can't say it you can't draft it. LT has been in the league for 9 years but people still call the guy La Damien, La damalen ... uh ... number 21, please. Antwan Boldin?? Nope. Ben Roethlisberger's name will be butchered a million different ways.

3) Leave your morals at the door? Yes, what Vick did was beyond horrible but he is in the pool and sad to say you will need him as a handcuff for McNabb. (I've had him every year in at least one league and he gets hurt ... you can set you watch to it.) That said, no one will blame you if you have to grab him off waivers because in your fit to be high and mighty you took Farve (because he's a standup guy) and his old ass pulls a muscle or dies or worse retires again in week 3.

4) Speaking of waivers. Don't be the guy who purposely grabs people off the waivers and then quickly drops them by Thursday so folks have wait til next week to get the same player. We hate people like that. Regardless what you believe, I've been in plenty of leagues and I've never been in one the lets you run with 15 QBs. Pretty sure. Ahhh, but you got me. I guess I can't pick up Todd Collins til week 6, pretty sneaky. And don't pick up some sleeper RB because you saw him in the late game roll off a fluky 200 yard game. I ain't trading you my two best WRs for him.

5) Bye weeks are your problem. I hate it when guys say, "Man, you beat me because I had my number one QB and RB on bye." Uh... excuse me? Okay, you are right, Peyton Manning would likely thrown for 350 yards and 5 TDs and Maurice Jones-Drew would ran for a buck and a quarter and 2 TDs but your poor planning ass has Sage Rosenfels (Dr. Rosenrosen??) as your backup and some guy who is fifth on the 49ers depth chart because you didn't pay attention to the fact that your starters all had a week 7 bye week. Oops! STFU!

6) Pay up, be-yotch! You want play, you gotta pay. $60 due by the draft means that week. Not 7 weeks into the season. Perhaps, you could not go to lunch every day or maybe you can go without gas for a week. I'm just sayin' ... If you wait that long, you should only get Raiders players (45 -7, New Orleans owned you like that in Pre-Season??? Wow!)


7) One point losses do indeed suck. Every time.

Anyway, I gripe but I love this time of year. I get to trash talk and act like my football knowledge knows no bounds. Now I have to go because my draft is in 11 hours. Cramming time. Mock draft here I come!

Play nice. Championship!

Classic...